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A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:
Hot dog – 2 quid
Cheeseburger – 5 quid
Handjob – 10 quid
He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
Now THAT is funny!
A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.
After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wife make love.
Begrudgingly, he submits and says yes.
After 20 minutes of love making, the woman is no closer to orgasm whilst the man is nearly finished and wants to hold out, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places until he is ready to do more. So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the man wafts the towel.
After 2 minutes the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.
The man looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims “now that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel.”
I used to date an English teacher, but she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon.
Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says “Who is it?” followed by a man’s voice saying “Blind man”. Figuring the man wouldn’t see anything they open the door. The man walks in and says “Nice tits ladies. Now where do you want me to install these blinds?”
A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”
The father replies, “Making a baby.”The little boy says, “Can you turn mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy.”
This one is for you jillyjelly and all your naughty Pv Girlfriends 😜
Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don’t wear any
Naughty girls don’t really give a shit
Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don’t say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them
Santa, baby ...
It was Christmas Eve, and Santa was making his rounds. He went down a particular chimney and began the usual task of unpacking some presents, putting them around the tree, etc ... then heard the sound of a woman waking up behind him. He turned toward the couch and saw her, a beautiful blonde wearing silk lingerie, sitting up to greet him.
"Oh Santa, I've been waiting for you." She began trailing her finger down the strap of her silk top, and her eyes said it all. "Why down you sit down and stay a while?"
Reluctantly, but with a smile on his face, Santa replied,
"Ho ho ho! I really must go!
I gotta deliver these presents to some kids I know!"
The woman pouted when he said this, and stood up from the couch. She began sauntering toward him, and with a graceful motion, lifted her top off over her head. She ran her hands down the front of her body and enticed Santa as much as she could. "But Santa, I really want you to stay. I promise it'll be worth it." Santa was getting a little nervous now, but he still managed to say,
"Ho ho ho! I really must go!
I've got to deliver these presents to some kids I know!"
The woman seemed unfazed. She approached Santa and reached up to stroke his beard. She pressed herself against him and breathed heavily into his ear as she spoke. "Santa, I've been a naughty girl this year, and I really need you to stay and let me show you how bad I've been." As she nibbled on his earlobe, he reluctantly spoke ...
"Hey hey hey, I guess I'll stay.
I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
Yes. lockdown makes me read a lot more jillyjelly . But yes that girls one was a bit long but it made me think of you and ya Girlfriends 😱
A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?”
“Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man.
